I turned down a job offer last night. It wasn't a difficult decision and I had no hesitation... but it was slightly difficult to make my folks understand, mainly because they have no idea about my industry! The offer came through my family; my uncles best friends friend (who is an acquaintance of  my uncle as well) is part of a major export house which operates in Dhaka (Bangladesh), Hong Kong and Middle East. A few months back when I was home, my uncle asked me to send my resume to this guy and see if he could help me get a job. A few weeks later, when this friend was in town, I was asked to come over and meet him. He basically wanted to meet me in person and talk to me before finding something appropriate and recommend me. I told him that I am generally not interested in working in an export house; most of them don't have design studios and even if they have, the work is usually very limiting. He said that since they don't have a design studio and the only job he can directly give is in merchandising and production; he will try and find something and then let me know.

Yesterday, he called my uncle and said that I could come and join him as soon as possible in Dhaka in the merchandising department. He wasn't able to find anything appropriate in a design studio and decided to offer this instead till I find something that I want. Merchandising is a type of management. For those of you who don't know, this is what WikiAnswers say "There are 2 types of merchandisers in an export houses - buyer and production merchandisers. Buyer merchandisers act as a link between the buyer and the manufacturer. They have the responsibility of ensuring that the product is developed as per the requirements of the buyer so in between they have the responsibility of sourcing, sampling and communication with the buyer. The production merchants on the other hand are a link between production and buyer merchants. They have the responsibility of ensuring that the production goes as per the schedule and as per the requirements. "

The job is good and I would get a lot to learn, but I decided to turn it down for now. Merchandisers usually have a design background as well and typically most designers do end up working as merchants in India and the other export markets. While I have a good understanding and know how of merchandising principles and methods (thanks to a semester long module in merchandising), it is not something that I want to do given a choice. I am a designer and that is my core! I want to throughly explore my options as a designer before I decide to take a position in merchandising temporarily. My friends who took up jobs as merchants because of lack of opportunities in design, started off fine but is extremely unhappy now and is waiting for an option to jump back into design. Honestly, I would have taken the job if I didn't have this idea to start my studio in my head.

It was an effort to make my folks understand this and finally I had to explain it in a language they would understand! My mom who holds a bachelors degree in physics, a masters in journalism and a diploma in Russian eventually found a career in banking and is currently a bank manager and is far from being done! This was potentially the complication in making her understand my point of view. I eventually told her that it is like telling an engineering to work as a mathematician! They of course have the skills required...  but maths isn't necessarily their core or what triggers them!

Anyway, I spoke to my uncles best friend earlier and he said that his friend told him that I can take up this offer anytime I want. I told him that if I don't see anything falling into place by Feb, I will do the responsible thing and take up this offer. February being the deadline I have given my folks to figure things out and get things moving or else, take any (fashion) job.

I am indeed lucky to have such a wonderful family, especially my parents- even if they don't necessarily understand me and is worried or concerned for me...  they would never force me into doing anything that I do not want to. They try to be supportive in the best way they know and what more can I ask for?!

I am slowly settling into my new place. The landlord got the walls whitewashed (as promised) a few days back, but it was too dull and depressing for me. So I decided to add some spice. Yesterday, I went to the hardware store and got myself some red paint. I spent the whole morning painting my cupboards and I remembered how relaxing and therapeutic painting can be!

When I was in high school, I used to paint often. Like every child, I started off with crayons and sketch pencils/pens in kindergarten and eventually found myself doing oil on canvas and oil on glass sheets as I grew older. Obviously, it was amateur work but I was very proud of it and it was one thing which represented my childhood in terms of a physical, tangible thing. When my parents moved back to my hometown from Cochin a few years ago, they stored all my paintings (rolled into a single roll and covered with newspaper) along with many other things in a storage room at my grandmas place and it was accidentally thrown away when the room was being cleaned by grandma. They didn't even realize this till I was home for the holidays and wanted to take the paintings back to Delhi. I was furious and I remember shouting at everybody and throwing tantrums! I was really upset... but I let go soon enough because I realized that my grandma was feeling bad about the whole deal.

Ever since I moved to Delhi four years back, I haven't painted (except for college work)...  I never felt the urge to. Now, I feel that I should restart that lost hobby of mine. Sometimes, a stained hand can go a long way in fetching you some peace.

Anyway, Happy Halloween!

Moving back to New Delhi has not been easy; I feel like I am caught in the flow of time and that I am unable to steer my way through. I hate this feeling! I am so used to having at least some level of clarity with regard to my immediate future.

It's been two weeks since I got back and I must admit that things are falling into place, even if a bit slow for my liking. I moved into my new apartment a few days ago. I don't know if this can be called an apartment! It's just one room with a tiny kitchen and a tiny bathroom; sort of like a studio apartment. I can't honestly complain though, I am now a resident of one of the poshest neighborhoods of Delhi and I like it! The only thing I don't like is the fact that this is a flying zone. There are planes flying low either taking off or landing every few minutes and it is slightly annoying especially at night when the air traffic volume is high. I am told by my friends who live in this area that I would barely notice it within a week or so; I sincerely hope so!

On the work front, nothing has progressed in the real sense. I have sort of been working on a freelance project but we haven't finalized the deal yet; so there isn't much to say except that I have been working on a few samples for the client. I haven't had time to start work on my business plan yet. The convocation and the apartment hunt took a lot of my time/energy. Also, I confess that I feel uninspired. Well, actually- scared might be more appropriate! I find myself in such conflicting state of mind-  one minute I am so confident of going ahead and starting my studio and the very next, I am scared beyond words. It's time like these that I really wish that I had someone who would just hold my hand. Just hold my hand.

Some days are just so terribly lonely; intensified by the fact that before coming I was home with my family for over three months. I have very few friends left in the city and most of the time, they are just so busy with work. I have to start socializing. Go out and meet new people...  befriend some and date some and of course hopefully love some one.

This is the prologue for the boy has grown into a man, even if I have to keep convincing myself so!

As of yesterday evening, I am officially a graduate with a Bachelor of Arts Honours Degree in Fashion Design!


"The Graduate" 


Megha & I


Deepankshi, Me, Megha, Kanika, Reena & Shradha

Click here for the rest of the photos on Facebook!

OMG! In the three months that I have been home with my folks, I have gained 12 Kilos!!! At 68 Kg, I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life so far! Am so glad that I am heading back to New Delhi this week.